Enter Second Merchant, Angelo, and an Officer
Second Merchant: You owe me money! I would like it back now.
Angelo: Indeed, but Antipholus owes me money, since I made a gold chain for him. Let us go to his house, where he will pay me, and then I will pay you.
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Ephesus
Officer: No need. Here he comes.
Antipholus: Dromio, I want you to buy me a rope, so that I may strangle my treacherous wife for locking me out of my home. Ah! There’s the goldsmith! Go now, and get that rope.
Dromio: Do you want soap on the rope?
Antipholus: No!
Dromio: And so I mope. I hope that I can cope.
Exit
Antipholus: Angelo the goldsmith! Where is my chain?
Angelo: Ignoring your humor, I give you this. The receipt for said chain, and so you owe me three ducats more than I owe this fine man here. Please pay it.
Antipholus: I haven’t the money on my person, so if you could go to my house and give the chain to my wife, I shall pay you once I am finished with my errand in the town.
Angelo: I will, sir. Have you the chain on you now?
Antipholus: I do not, but I hope you do, or else I can’t pay you.
Angelo: Just give me the chain.
Antipholus: I don’t have the chain.
Second Merchant: Angelo, just get the danged money!
Angelo: You see, Antipholus? I need to repay this man!
Antipholus: So give the chain to my wife and get your money.
Second Merchant: Angelo, either give me my money now, or I’ll have this man arrest you. [pointing to officer]
Angelo: Give me the money you owe me!
Antipholus: I owe you nothing until I receive the chain.
Angelo: I gave it to you just an hour ago.
Antipholus: You didn’t give me the chain.
Angelo: Yes I did!
Antipholus: No you didn’t!
Angelo: Yes I did!
Antipholus: No you didn’t!
Angelo: You keep contradicting me!
Antipholus: No I don’t!
Angelo: Yes you do!
Antipholus: No I don’t!
Angelo: Yes you—
Second Merchant: Enough!!! Arrest this man! [pointing to Angelo]
Angelo: Antipholus, pay me what you owe.
Antipholus: I owe you nothing, and you wrong me in saying that I do.
Angelo: Officer, arrest him. [motioning to Antipholus]
Officer: Come with me, sir.
Antipholus: I shall. [officer grabs him by the arm]
Enter Dromio of Syracuse
Dromio: Master, I have chartered a ship that will take us to Syracuse.
Antipholus: What ship are you talking about?
Dromio: The one you sent me to book.
Antipholus: Are you drunk? I sent you to get a rope, not a ship!
Dromio: No, you sent me to get a ship, not a rope.
Antipholus: We’ll have this debate at a later time. For now, go to Adriana, and have her give you the bag of ducats in my desk. Go, that I may pay to remove myself from prison.
Exit Second Merchant, Angelo, Officer, and Antipholus of Ephesus
Dromio: Adriana? Right, that woman who gave us dinner! I don’t want to go there, but I mustn’t fail my master!
Exit Scene
SCENE II: The House of Antipholus of Ephesus.
[Enter Luciana and Adriana]
Adriana: Luciana has Antipholus been hitting on you?
Luciana: Yeah, he even denied knowing who you were
Adriana: [Angry] WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?
Luciana: Well, he said i was hot and that he loved everything about me
Adriana: That man! He's always so rude to me. But now going after another women. I swear one day i may just have to kill him.
Adriana: But of course i wont because i cant stop loving him [Enter Dromio of Syracuse]
Dromio: Antipholus, he's in trouble.
Adriana: What did he do now?
Dromio: He's been arrested
Adriana: WHAT? Now i could really kill him. What happened?
Dromio: I have no idea, but he needs you to bail him out.
Adriana: Antipholus, hes going to get it when he gets home. I am so fed up with him. First hitting on Luciana and now in jail.
Luciana, go get money from the savings jar
[Luciana Exits]
Dromio: Well i better get going, I'll see how Antiphlous is
[Luciana Enters with money]
Adriana: Dromio, go get that waste of a husband out of jail and bring him home immediately!
Act III Scene III Ant S is walking down the street and is approached by Passerbys. Enter Ant. S and Passerby 1
Passerby 1: Hey! Antipholus! I just got that order of cheez-whiz in for you!
Ant S: Uhhh...thank you? Passerby 1 Leaves. Passerby 2 Enters
Passerby 2 [sullen]: Hey, Ant, with this economy crisis I can’t repay our debt in cash, so I’m going to give you my car. [Throws him car keys]
Ant S: [catches them] Cool! What’s a car? Passerby 2 Leaves. Passerby 3 Enters
Passerby 3: [as he walks by] Hey, Ant! Frisbee game at the park later!
Ant S: I’ll be th- wait, what am I saying? Why does everyone think they know me? Exit Passerby 3. Enter Dro S
Dro S: Ah! There you are! I have the gold you sent me for.
Ant S: Not you too! Is everyone going crazy? I didn’t send you for any gold.
Dro S: Yes you did. Bee-tee-dubbs, there’s a guard after you.
Ant S: I haven’t done anything bad...in the past week...day...hour...sort of Enter a Courtezan
Courtezan: Hello, Ant. How are you? Is that the ring you borrowed from me?
Ant S: You’re a cretin, I have not your ring
Courtezan: Actually, I’m a Courtezan, and I see it right there! Give it back!
Ant S: No
Courtezan: [pushes him a little] Meh
Ant S: [pushes him back] Meh! *awkward pause, then Courtezan and Ant S have a sissy slap fight*
Dro: ALRIGHT! Break it up!
Ant S: Witch! Get away! This isn’t your ring!
Courtezan: What’s gotten into you? I’m calling the cops!
Ant S: <gasp!> not the fuzz!
Dro: You wouldn’t!
Courtezan: Oh yeah? [pulls out cell phone and dials 9-1-1]
Ant S: what’s that?
Courtezan: A phone. I can talk to my friends and family on it, or anyone else I call. With this great unlimited package from Sprint, I’ve been able to keep up with my cousin in Ohio. Sprint, “The Now Network”
Ant S: What? That doesn’t even make sense! Phones won’t be invented until 1876 by Alexander Graham Bell. Sirens blare in the background
Ant S: [to Dromio] RUN! Everyone Leaves
Act IV Scene Iv Act IV. Scene IV.
Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus and the Officer
ANT E: Honestly, Officer, I don’t know what has gotten into my wife today. Oh thank god! I see my slave coming to bring me the bail money.
Enter DROMIO of Ephesus with a whip
ANT E: Where’s my money?
DRO E: I used it to buy a whip.
ANT E: 500 pounds for a whip!
DRO E: 500 pounds! But I only just got the whip like I was ordered. Why do you have to pound me 500 pounds.
ANT E: You idiot!
Beating him
OFFICER: Wow! Chill out Antipholus!
ANT E: Chill out?? This senseless slave deserves to be beaten.
DRO E: Senseless? I wish! Then I wouldn’t feel your blows.
Stops beating him
ANT E: That’s enough. My wife is coming.
Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the COURTEZAN, and PINCH
COURTEZAN: There is your husband. He is crazy!
ADRIANA: He is. Doctor Pinch, maybe you can cure this man.
PINCH: I will try. Antipholus, give me your hand and let me feel you pulse.
ANT E: Here is my hand. How does that feel? Slapping him
PINCH: Ow! Alright this guy is possessed. I might need to perform an exorcism.
ANT E: I am not possessed! Why am I the guilty one when I was the one locked out of my own house!
ADRIANA: What are you talking about? You ate dinner at home.
ANT E: No I didn’t! I was locked out!
DRO E: Yup. Antipholus is telling the truth. He was locked out.
ANT E: And if that wasn’t enough. Then the goldsmith arrested me because I refused to pay him for the gold chain that I had not yet received!
ADRIANA: I sent you bail money though. Dromio was supposed to give it to you.
DRO E: What! You never gave me any money.
LUCIANA: She did. I saw it happen. You asked her for the money to bail him out of jail and then she gave it to you and you ran off to deliver it to Antipholus.
DRO E: I was only sent off for a whip. That never happened.
PINCH: Clearly both Antipholus and the slave are possessed. They need an exorcism. Let’s take them home.
Three or four men enter and try to restrain Antipholus of Ephesus. He struggles with them.
Adriana: Tie him up! He’s a beast!
Antipholus of Ephesus: What is this—you trying to kill me?
Officer: Dudes, hands off! That’s my prisoner yo.
Pinch: Heya, tie up the crazy servant too! The men tie up Dromio of Ephesus.
Adriana: What do you think you’re doing, officer? Do you enjoy seeing a sick man pain himself? I’ll pay you for his bail fees; just take me to the man my hubby is, for some reason, in debt to. Doc Pinch, bring him to my house. What a downright doody day!
Antipholus of Ephesus: What a nasty pastry!
Dromio of Ephesus: Master, I’m tied up for you.
Antipholus of Ephesus: Shut it, poophead! Why are you pushing mah buttons?
Luciana: Oh how sad; they’re such weirdos.
Adriana: Get them outta here. Sis, come with me. Pinch and the men lead Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Ephesus offstage.
The Officer, Adriana, Luciana, and the Courtesan stay onstage.
Officer: Angelo the jeweler had him arrested because your husband owes him dough for some bling; ‘twas a necklace to be precise.
Adriana: Well I’ll be it! He talked about a necklace but never gave it to me.
Courtesan: Your creeper husband swung by my place earlier so P.O.ed and took my ring (which I just saw on his finger, bee tee dubs). Like 2 seconds later I saw him with a necklace.
Adriana: Oh dear me. I did never see it. But I do desire the truth. Take me to yonder jeweler!
Antipholus of Syracuse enters with his gun drawn, followed by Dromio of Syracuse.
Luciana: Zz-oh-mah-gawd, they broke out of jail!
Officer: They’re redickk! Obvs going to pop some mad glocks on us! Lez go ASAP, homes! Frightened, Adriana, Luciana, the Officer, and the Courtesan run offstage.
Antipholus of Syracuse: Looks like these scaredy cats are afraid of nines!
Dromio of Syracuse: Dawg, yo wife just ran away from you.
Antipholus of Syracuse: Man, just get our shtuff. I just wish we were comfy cozy on board already.
Dromio of Syracuse: Yo, lez crash here for the nizzy. Can’t touch this! (Duhn duhn nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh). These peeps just hand us gold, they’re sah nice! If it weren’t for that crazy lady who wants to marry me, I’d stay here my good ol’ self!
Antipholus of Syracuse: Aww hunny, I would not stay here if someone gave me the whole town! Now go get our bags! They exit.
SCENE 1: A Public Place
Enter Second Merchant, Angelo, and an Officer
Second Merchant: You owe me money! I would like it back now.
Angelo: Indeed, but Antipholus owes me money, since I made a gold chain for him. Let us go to his house, where he will pay me, and then I will pay you.
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Ephesus
Officer: No need. Here he comes.
Antipholus: Dromio, I want you to buy me a rope, so that I may strangle my treacherous wife for locking me out of my home. Ah! There’s the goldsmith! Go now, and get that rope.
Dromio: Do you want soap on the rope?
Antipholus: No!
Dromio: And so I mope. I hope that I can cope.
Exit
Antipholus: Angelo the goldsmith! Where is my chain?
Angelo: Ignoring your humor, I give you this. The receipt for said chain, and so you owe me three ducats more than I owe this fine man here. Please pay it.
Antipholus: I haven’t the money on my person, so if you could go to my house and give the chain to my wife, I shall pay you once I am finished with my errand in the town.
Angelo: I will, sir. Have you the chain on you now?
Antipholus: I do not, but I hope you do, or else I can’t pay you.
Angelo: Just give me the chain.
Antipholus: I don’t have the chain.
Second Merchant: Angelo, just get the danged money!
Angelo: You see, Antipholus? I need to repay this man!
Antipholus: So give the chain to my wife and get your money.
Second Merchant: Angelo, either give me my money now, or I’ll have this man arrest you. [pointing to officer]
Angelo: Give me the money you owe me!
Antipholus: I owe you nothing until I receive the chain.
Angelo: I gave it to you just an hour ago.
Antipholus: You didn’t give me the chain.
Angelo: Yes I did!
Antipholus: No you didn’t!
Angelo: Yes I did!
Antipholus: No you didn’t!
Angelo: You keep contradicting me!
Antipholus: No I don’t!
Angelo: Yes you do!
Antipholus: No I don’t!
Angelo: Yes you—
Second Merchant: Enough!!! Arrest this man! [pointing to Angelo]
Angelo: Antipholus, pay me what you owe.
Antipholus: I owe you nothing, and you wrong me in saying that I do.
Angelo: Officer, arrest him. [motioning to Antipholus]
Officer: Come with me, sir.
Antipholus: I shall. [officer grabs him by the arm]
Enter Dromio of Syracuse
Dromio: Master, I have chartered a ship that will take us to Syracuse.
Antipholus: What ship are you talking about?
Dromio: The one you sent me to book.
Antipholus: Are you drunk? I sent you to get a rope, not a ship!
Dromio: No, you sent me to get a ship, not a rope.
Antipholus: We’ll have this debate at a later time. For now, go to Adriana, and have her give you the bag of ducats in my desk. Go, that I may pay to remove myself from prison.
Exit Second Merchant, Angelo, Officer, and Antipholus of Ephesus
Dromio: Adriana? Right, that woman who gave us dinner! I don’t want to go there, but I mustn’t fail my master!
Exit
Scene
SCENE II: The House of Antipholus of Ephesus.
[Enter Luciana and Adriana]
Adriana: Luciana has Antipholus been hitting on you?
Luciana: Yeah, he even denied knowing who you were
Adriana: [Angry] WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?
Luciana: Well, he said i was hot and that he loved everything about me
Adriana: That man! He's always so rude to me. But now going after another women. I swear one day i may just have to kill him.
Adriana: But of course i wont because i cant stop loving him
[Enter Dromio of Syracuse]
Dromio: Antipholus, he's in trouble.
Adriana: What did he do now?
Dromio: He's been arrested
Adriana: WHAT? Now i could really kill him. What happened?
Dromio: I have no idea, but he needs you to bail him out.
Adriana: Antipholus, hes going to get it when he gets home. I am so fed up with him. First hitting on Luciana and now in jail.
Luciana, go get money from the savings jar
[Luciana Exits]
Dromio: Well i better get going, I'll see how Antiphlous is
[Luciana Enters with money]
Adriana: Dromio, go get that waste of a husband out of jail and bring him home immediately!
Act III Scene III
Ant S is walking down the street and is approached by Passerbys.
Enter Ant. S and Passerby 1
Passerby 1: Hey! Antipholus! I just got that order of cheez-whiz in for you!
Ant S: Uhhh...thank you?
Passerby 1 Leaves. Passerby 2 Enters
Passerby 2 [sullen]: Hey, Ant, with this economy crisis I can’t repay our debt in cash, so I’m going to give you my car. [Throws him car keys]
Ant S: [catches them] Cool! What’s a car?
Passerby 2 Leaves. Passerby 3 Enters
Passerby 3: [as he walks by] Hey, Ant! Frisbee game at the park later!
Ant S: I’ll be th- wait, what am I saying? Why does everyone think they know me?
Exit Passerby 3. Enter Dro S
Dro S: Ah! There you are! I have the gold you sent me for.
Ant S: Not you too! Is everyone going crazy? I didn’t send you for any gold.
Dro S: Yes you did. Bee-tee-dubbs, there’s a guard after you.
Ant S: I haven’t done anything bad...in the past week...day...hour...sort of
Enter a Courtezan
Courtezan: Hello, Ant. How are you? Is that the ring you borrowed from me?
Ant S: You’re a cretin, I have not your ring
Courtezan: Actually, I’m a Courtezan, and I see it right there! Give it back!
Ant S: No
Courtezan: [pushes him a little] Meh
Ant S: [pushes him back] Meh!
*awkward pause, then Courtezan and Ant S have a sissy slap fight*
Dro: ALRIGHT! Break it up!
Ant S: Witch! Get away! This isn’t your ring!
Courtezan: What’s gotten into you? I’m calling the cops!
Ant S: <gasp!> not the fuzz!
Dro: You wouldn’t!
Courtezan: Oh yeah? [pulls out cell phone and dials 9-1-1]
Ant S: what’s that?
Courtezan: A phone. I can talk to my friends and family on it, or anyone else I call. With this great unlimited package from Sprint, I’ve been able to keep up with my cousin in Ohio. Sprint, “The Now Network”
Ant S: What? That doesn’t even make sense! Phones won’t be invented until 1876 by Alexander Graham Bell.
Sirens blare in the background
Ant S: [to Dromio] RUN!
Everyone Leaves
Act IV Scene Iv
Act IV. Scene IV.
Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus and the Officer
ANT E: Honestly, Officer, I don’t know what has gotten into my wife today. Oh thank god! I see my slave coming to bring me the bail money.
Enter DROMIO of Ephesus with a whip
ANT E: Where’s my money?
DRO E: I used it to buy a whip.
ANT E: 500 pounds for a whip!
DRO E: 500 pounds! But I only just got the whip like I was ordered. Why do you have to pound me 500 pounds.
ANT E: You idiot!
Beating him
OFFICER: Wow! Chill out Antipholus!
ANT E: Chill out?? This senseless slave deserves to be beaten.
DRO E: Senseless? I wish! Then I wouldn’t feel your blows.
Stops beating him
ANT E: That’s enough. My wife is coming.
Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the COURTEZAN, and PINCH
COURTEZAN: There is your husband. He is crazy!
ADRIANA: He is. Doctor Pinch, maybe you can cure this man.
PINCH: I will try. Antipholus, give me your hand and let me feel you pulse.
ANT E: Here is my hand. How does that feel? Slapping him
PINCH: Ow! Alright this guy is possessed. I might need to perform an exorcism.
ANT E: I am not possessed! Why am I the guilty one when I was the one locked out of my own house!
ADRIANA: What are you talking about? You ate dinner at home.
ANT E: No I didn’t! I was locked out!
DRO E: Yup. Antipholus is telling the truth. He was locked out.
ANT E: And if that wasn’t enough. Then the goldsmith arrested me because I refused to pay him for the gold chain that I had not yet received!
ADRIANA: I sent you bail money though. Dromio was supposed to give it to you.
DRO E: What! You never gave me any money.
LUCIANA: She did. I saw it happen. You asked her for the money to bail him out of jail and then she gave it to you and you ran off to deliver it to Antipholus.
DRO E: I was only sent off for a whip. That never happened.
PINCH: Clearly both Antipholus and the slave are possessed. They need an exorcism. Let’s take them home.
Three or four men enter and try to restrain Antipholus of Ephesus. He struggles with them.
Adriana: Tie him up! He’s a beast!
Antipholus of Ephesus: What is this—you trying to kill me?
Officer: Dudes, hands off! That’s my prisoner yo.
Pinch: Heya, tie up the crazy servant too!
The men tie up Dromio of Ephesus.
Adriana: What do you think you’re doing, officer? Do you enjoy seeing a sick man pain himself? I’ll pay you for his bail fees; just take me to the man my hubby is, for some reason, in debt to. Doc Pinch, bring him to my house. What a downright doody day!
Antipholus of Ephesus: What a nasty pastry!
Dromio of Ephesus: Master, I’m tied up for you.
Antipholus of Ephesus: Shut it, poophead! Why are you pushing mah buttons?
Luciana: Oh how sad; they’re such weirdos.
Adriana: Get them outta here. Sis, come with me.
Pinch and the men lead Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Ephesus offstage.
The Officer, Adriana, Luciana, and the Courtesan stay onstage.
Officer: Angelo the jeweler had him arrested because your husband owes him dough for some bling; ‘twas a necklace to be precise.
Adriana: Well I’ll be it! He talked about a necklace but never gave it to me.
Courtesan: Your creeper husband swung by my place earlier so P.O.ed and took my ring (which I just saw on his finger, bee tee dubs). Like 2 seconds later I saw him with a necklace.
Adriana: Oh dear me. I did never see it. But I do desire the truth. Take me to yonder jeweler!
Antipholus of Syracuse enters with his gun drawn, followed by Dromio of Syracuse.
Luciana: Zz-oh-mah-gawd, they broke out of jail!
Officer: They’re redickk! Obvs going to pop some mad glocks on us! Lez go ASAP, homes!
Frightened, Adriana, Luciana, the Officer, and the Courtesan run offstage.
Antipholus of Syracuse: Looks like these scaredy cats are afraid of nines!
Dromio of Syracuse: Dawg, yo wife just ran away from you.
Antipholus of Syracuse: Man, just get our shtuff. I just wish we were comfy cozy on board already.
Dromio of Syracuse: Yo, lez crash here for the nizzy. Can’t touch this! (Duhn duhn nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh). These peeps just hand us gold, they’re sah nice! If it weren’t for that crazy lady who wants to marry me, I’d stay here my good ol’ self!
Antipholus of Syracuse: Aww hunny, I would not stay here if someone gave me the whole town! Now go get our bags!
They exit.